Saturday, October 29, 2011

The Epiphany

I have had dinner with my dad recently as he was in town for a conference.  He has been hearing what a pressure cooker work is and can relate himself.  He also has personal experience with the sacrifices of burying oneself with work, the hard work ethic runs in the familiy :)  He is a doctor and actually he has always worked much harder than I ever have.

His main point: "You are going to kill yourself with this job."  Well that was a close quote anyway.

But what about that "I can do anything and not affect my next bleed" from the neurosurgeon?

My dad has the good understanding that the entire cardiovascular system is interconnected and pressure sensitive, and that driving high blood pressure spikes from stress could potentially create bleeding events even though my cavernous malformation is supposed to be on the depressurized size of the capillary system.  It adds up to some of the symptoms I have been experiencing this year, that I have been facilitating lots of micro-bleed type events and resulting brain tissue aggravation.  Fact is there is not enough data or studies on these things to definitively know what will cause what, in fact the genesis of these angiomas does not seems to be fully understood.

It makes sense though.  I have been materially feeling the effects of work stress on my system and its related to things going on around my CM.  Its a good idea and I take it too heart.  Life is too short.  Besides if I keep on at this rate I might have a stroke or heart attack anyways in the next 10+ years regardless of this rebel in my brain.

Ironically my initial response is one of a double-down "Go Big or Go Home."  If I can get my sacrifice for the company appreciated and understood for the running of over half the business operations to great success, then all the pain and suffering that I have been doing and would continue to do would be somehow justified.

But this does not feel right.  It is not right.  And on the eve of my 36th birthday I send the final "I Quit" email.  It is final this time.  Life is too short, and killing myself literally for this job is not worth it.